I couldn’t decide if making my thoughts on this public were a good idea or not…and then I realized, who fucking cares? Do you know how big the universe is? No. It is unfathomable. And you and me and everyone on this earth are nothing in comparison. So, who gives a shit. (This is how I justify everything.)

Also, I will say here, my apologies to any family members (or friends, even) who may read this and be uncomfortable.

One more thing before I get started: most of those who know me would say that, on the inside (and perhaps on the outside, even) I am a vagrant, contrary, dirty hippie. I am who I want to be, and if those are the words to describe it, so be it.

So, I’ve got tan lines. And for purely vain and cosmetic reasons, I would like to get rid of them, at least on the top half. I know, I know…maybe I should just stay out of the sun. But I’m in Australia. And it is summer. And everyone else I know is enduring winter. I came here for the sun, and in the sun I shall remain.

I have recently moved in with an Australian couple and have quickly been given insider tips that only Aussies can give you. For instance, there is no law against females sunbathing topless in the state of Victoria, Australia. Sweet, I can get rid of my tan lines.

Now, I’ve done this before. In Barcelona, where everyone lays on the beach topless. It was fantastic. No tan lines. And freedom. Nobody looked at you strangely. Nobody ogled. That’s just how women sunbathe in Barcelona.

I had seen a few ladies topless on the beach in Melbourne. There were strange looks and ogles. It is allowed, but not widely done. I figured I would give it a go anyway.

So, today, I found a fairly secluded area. Not wanting to lay out on the beach totally exposed, I decided to wade in the water. Then families started showing up and I decided it was time to suit back up and dry off.

While laying on the beach, with all of my bathing suit on at this point, a man walked by. And then he walked by again. And then he sat a few feet away from me, on his side, facing me. I just pretended to sleep. Then, I heard him walking over to me. “Oh my god,” I grumbled out loud, hoping he would hear and leave me be. Nope. Plopped right down next to me.

“That’s a beautiful tattoo,” he said, referring to the one on my leg.

“Yes, thank you.” I grumbled in my best Daria voice.

“Do have a boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

“Do you drink?”

“No.”

“Do you want to go out with me for drinks tonight?” Creeper.

“I have a boyfriend. I don’t drink.”

“You’ve got a nice body.” Ugh, CREEPER!

“Well, that’s very nice of you. I was just leaving.”
“Can I get you a drink?”

“Dude, I don’t drink.”

“Ok.” Walks off after another few minutes of asking me if I’d like a drink.

Ok, first off- if anyone, ANYONE, gives you the Daria voice, it is time to walk away. Ladies, this goes for you, too. The Daria voice means, not only do I have no interest in having a conversation with you, I would really enjoy my day better if you just left me alone.

I have no idea if this dude saw me sunning topless in the water. The water had me covered, really, so I did not think anyone saw. And he walked up a few minutes later, but who knows.

Either way, it is apparently not a crime here anyway. Nor should it be anywhere. This is where the hippie comes out, I guess. I am totally fine with fitting into other cultures and abiding by the laws of other countries. Topless sunbathing is not allowed in the US, unless you are on a specifically designated nude beach. And I figured it would be trickier in Melbourne anyway because, although it is legal, I’ve only seen a few other people do it.

But why shouldn’t ladies be able to bathe topless? No wonder people have body issues. There is a stigma that surrounds nudity. And talking about it. I mean, alright, fine, we should wear clothing to work and the grocery store. But, if I want to do my gardening topless, I’m gonna. And at the beach? Nipples pop out all the time anyway, so fuck, just take the top off!

People should not be afraid of their bodies. But they are because they are told to cover up and read magazines that show them images of photoshopped “beauties.” But I need to stop here because magazines will need to be a whole different entry. (Magazines sell fantasy images as reality – the reality that we should all aspire to be. But it’s fake! It’s been tampered with! It’s fantasy!)

I’ve lost my train of thought again. So, here.

BOOBIES!

Anyway. Although females sunbathing topless at beaches in Victoria, Australia is technically allowed, it is not widely done at this point in time. Perhaps I will stick with keeping myself covered. Or maybe I will start thinking about how big the universe is again…and damn it all! I do what I want!